Studies have shown that you spend most of your life trying your best to avoid uncomfortable and challenging situations. We have all been there. Confrontation with friends, being around that co-worker that’s a loose cannon, and for some, walking into a conversation with too many factors that you cannot predict what will happen. There are many avenues where we can become uncomfortable.
Pain can be uncomfortable. It’s all uncomfortable whether you have a nagging injury from high school, emotional pain from a loss, or mental trauma from a past life. We all know someone who is going through some of these pains. You might have experienced it yourself and know what it feels like to go through pain.
But, what do we say to people who are hurting?
I don’t know about you, but often our first inclination is not to bother that person. We tell ourselves, “They are going through a lot. I don’t want to bother them.” But, studies have shown that people in pain take longer to heal if they are not connected to others.
So here are:
5 Things You Should Always Do When Your Friend Is Hurting
1)Pray For Them
Praying for them seems like a no-brainer for Christians, but we believe that God is the ultimate healer as Christians. In James 5, he talks about the power of prayer and the effect it can have.
‘Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. Elijah was a human being, even as we are. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops. ‘James 5:16-18
Prayer also has a way to prepare you for certain situations to be more like Christ.
Richard Foster, in his book “Celebration of Discipline” said this,
“To pray is to change. Prayer is the central avenue God uses to transform us. If we are unwilling to change, we will abandon prayer as a noticeable characteristic of our lives. The closer we come to the heartbeat of God, the more we see our need and the more we desire to be conformed to Christ.”
2) Communicate Your Availability
When someone is in pain, as their friend, the last thing you want them to do is to assume anything. Communication is something that falters when there is a disturbance, probably because you are uncomfortable and afraid to say the wrong words.
Many of us say things like, “Well, they know I’m always here for them,” or “If they need something, they will call.” But, I can tell you from someone who has had pain that these are two statements that never cross the mind of someone in pain.
A great mentor once told me, “When you don’t communicate, you are being unloving.”
If you want to love someone, if you’re going to comfort someone or be there for someone, you need to communicate when you will be there.
3) Being Present Means More Than Giving Advice
As a human, you want to fix things. If there is a problem, our natural decision-making is to remove or fix it. But, pain is something that cannot be fixed. It takes mourning the loss. It takes time, and pain cannot be fixed overnight.
Your job as a friend is to remind them that they are loved, NOT to think back to normal because you are uncomfortable.
In the book of Job, Job is going through a lot of pain. He lost everything – his kids, his money, his livestock, and he was covered in physical boils. This guy was not only in heart pain but also in significant physical pain. When his friends saw him, they said, “they could hardly recognize him.” His friends stay with him on the ground for seven days and seven nights. It said, “No one said a word to him because they saw how great his suffering was.”
Everyone can learn a lot from this situation. We don’t need to fix anything. We are not called to fix – we are called to Love.
4) Check In Regularly
This is a branch off of point 2 but is essential that it needs its own point. It would help if you circled back around regularly. I promise you that you are not bothering your friend who is hurting. Pain, suffering, and loss can remove you from external focus living to internal focus living.
I believe it’s by design, but when you become internally focused, it’s easy for your hurting friend to forget what you have done for them.
A great rule of thumb is to ask yourself, “How would I want my friends to treat me when I was in pain?”
‘The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”‘ -Mark 12:31
5) Point Them To Christ
Point five is the most important because the first four will not have a long-lasting impact without point five. Christ is who can heal, Christ can use our pain, and Christ is the only one who can comfort our souls. You, as a friend, can help the physical. The fun, the laughter, the tears, and the listening. But, Christ mends and cleanses the soul.
When your friend is hurting, there is no going back to normal. There will be a new normal after healing is done, and we need to do our best to make sure that the new normal is pointed towards Christ.
Romans 8:26-30
‘In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. ‘